Random Thoughts of a Coach, Mother, Wife, Friend, Competitor, and Woman

Yes, it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve posted, and in all honesty, I’ve just been having a whirlwind of thoughts flood my mind lately.  I have at least 10 rough drafts completed, but none of them are ready to be posted yet.

So much to say.  So much to do.

Writing is a blessing and a curse.

Tonight, I thought I’d try something new…

Instead of trying to write intelligently and grammatically correct, I’m just going to share with you 5 minutes of what goes on inside my head…My crazy, beautiful mind…Every day…All day…Completely unfiltered…

Sometimes, it’s nice to just vent and let things out.

Ready?  Brace yourselves…This could be dangerous… 😉

3…2…1…GO!

10352582_549466858520190_7523399922307013146_nI really don’t want to clean up right now, but the kitchen is a mess, and it drives me crazy!  But, every time I clear off the counter, it inevitably gets covered with sh** again the next day.  Cleaning is a crappy cycle that never ends.  I wish we could just afford a maid.  I wish we could afford a chef. God, I wish we would just win the lottery.  People say money can’t buy you happiness, but it sure can make things a hell of a lot easier!  Man, if we won the lottery, the first thing I’d do is finish this damn house!  Another never-ending project in our life.  I wish HGTV would come over to our house and renovate the entire thing in one week!  Ahhhh, I watch those episodes with such envy.  We could move to Texas and get put on the show “Fixxer Upper!”  But, then we’d have to live in Texas.  And, we really don’t have any reason to move to Texas.  I would love to live in the east coast, though.  Or, maybe New Zealand.  Or, Hawaii?  Mmmm, I’d probably get “island fever,” though.  I’d miss my family and CrossFit family, though, if we moved.  Man, if we won the lottery, though, I would totally add in a Peet’s Coffee bar, a juice bar, an awesome kids playroom with licensed babysitters, locker rooms, showers, and a foam pit and trampoline in the gym!  That would be so awesome!!!!  I wonder what our members say about us?  I wonder if they ever think that I’m mean, or boring, or don’t like something about me?  Sometimes I wish I could be a fly on the wall.  Although, I don’t know…Would I really want to know what others think and say about me?  I’d like to think that people think I am a good person.  I hope I’m never condescending to anyone.  Hopefully, they can tell when I’m being sarcastic.  I think they can.  I think I’m pretty obvious with my feelings and intentions.  I wonder if I will ever get to stand up on a podium.  I think I work hard, but then every competition, I’m always shaking my finger at myself.  How much is too much?  How much is too little?  Sometimes I really wish I was just born talented and gifted.  But, then again, I’d probably take it for granted.  I guess I should be thankful for all of the lessons it’s taught me to have to earn it…But, damn…Sometimes it would be nice to have something come easy to me for once.  What are we going to do for Christmas?  I don’t even know what to get Spencer.  He is so hard to shop for.  I really wish I had the money to buy him his dream Eames Chair.  Maybe I should start saving a few bucks here and there every month…Maybe in like 5 years I will have saved up enough money to buy him one.  That would be pretty cool to see the look on his face if I got him one.  Maybe…Someday…  It’s like how my mom used to tell me that if she ever had the extra money, she would have bought my dad a Ranger Rover.  I think I can make Bailey’s Halloween costume for her.  Boo’s monster costume is pretty straight forward, and the nice thing is, it doesn’t have to be perfect.  Maybe I’ll try it.  Would be pretty awesome to be able to say that I made Bailey’s costume for her.  I can’t wait to watch her go trick-or-treating again!  I wonder if we’ll have a boy or girl for the next one.  Do we even want another one?  Hmmm…I wish there was some way to make it a boy.  I’d love to have one of each.  Of course, I’ll love whatever we get!  I don’t know if I could handle two kids, though.  Am I patient enough?  How the heck did my mom do it with 4 of us?!  If we won the lottery, I’d be all for having 4 kids, though!  Maybe we could adopt a boy.  That would be pretty neat.  I need to start lifting more.  My lifts have not been increasing enough.  I keep saying that, but I actually really need to shut up and just do it already!  Why is it so easy for me to coach others, and not myself?!?!  I wonder if Bailey is going to like CrossFit.  I’m really afraid of dying.  It scares me to think that death is going to happen anytime.  I try not to think about it, but sometimes it really haunts me.  I get why so many people believe in Heaven or other religious beliefs.  It’s so much more comforting to believe in something happy and beautiful to go to afterwards.  How is it that I’ve lived 34 years and never experienced even one death of a loved one?!?!  Sure, pets and grandparents have passed, but no one immediately close to me has died, and it scares me to think who my “first” one will be.  I often think that it will be my dad…or my brother.  They are like two peas in a pod.  I love them so much.  God, I wish they took better care of themselves.  Maybe that’s why I’m so crazy into fitness and health.  But, even being healthy doesn’t guarantee that I’ll live.  I really hope and pray I get to watch Bailey grow up, and I get to be a grandmother some day.  Sometimes I feel bad after a long day, and wish I had done more, said more to everyone.  Because, what if today is my last day?!  How do I want to be remembered?!  Will I even be remembered?!  I wish I could come back as a spirit, though, so that I could watch my family and friends, and still experience everything with them.  I need to switch over the laundry.  God, another endless task!  What if I could go back in time and start all over again?  What would I do differently?  But, then I wouldn’t have all the things I have now, and I definitely would not want to give up having Bailey and Spencer!!!  It breaks my heart watching some of my friends struggle being single or going through a divorce.  What would I ever do if that happened to me and Spencer?  I honestly don’t know if I’d ever want to get married again.  Dating sucks!  That is one place I never want to go back to ever again!  Why are some people so sh***y?!!!  It pisses me off when they do sh***y things to other people.  How does someone just cheat and then leave their kids?!  I can understand screwing over your husband or wife…But, how can you screw over your kids?!  What the f*** is wrong with people?!  Sometimes, I feel like we’re surrounded by idiots and a**holes.  Why can’t we send them all away?!  A lot of my anger stems from stupid, mean people.  Sometimes, it’s really, really difficult to have compassion for others.  Really difficult!!!  That’s when I love to use the slam ball at the gym!!!  Speaking of, we haven’t done slam balls in a while.  Maybe I’ll throw that in to the warm up this week.  Oh crap, I need to finish the coaching schedule for this month, too!  Am I doing a good job?  Am I a good coach?  Am I being a good mother to Bailey?  Am I good enough for Spencer?  Sometimes I worry that I’m not enough.  Sometimes I feel like I am failing at life.  Other times, I feel like I’m on top of the world.  Ugh.  Maybe I’m in a funk because of my period.  I hate hormones.  I need some chocolate.  I’m going to eat the rest of the s’mores stuff!  I really wish we’d win the damn lottery…

*Whew* 😉

 

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Open Arms

291708_4875163839951_1369268_nBeing a CrossFit Co-Owner and Coach, I see and hear A LOT!

I know so much about my clients, both athletically and personally.  Not only do I know their 1 rep max Front Squat and their “Fran” time, but I also know about their struggle to care for their mother fighting cancer, I know how their husband proposed, I know that they are working two jobs to make ends meet, I know about the cheating wife, the monster-in-law, the traumatic childhood, the husband away on deployment, the daughter with special needs, the car accident that took away their parents, the daily struggles of being a single parent, the insecurities they have in a swimsuit, the demons that haunt them.

I know everything.  Being a coach isn’t just about training people in fitness.  It’s also about being a mentor and therapist in many ways.

I know when my clients are having a bad day, when they are sandbagging a workout, when they need me to yell at them, and when they need me to hug them.  I know when I can push them, and when I need to back off.  I know what drives them, and what pushes them away.

And, I have heard so many amazing stories.  So many feats of courage.  So many heartbreaks, tragedies, hardships, and downright sh***y things.  And, believe it or not, sometimes it’s the person with the brightest smile and seemingly “perfect” life who has the saddest stories to tell.

So often, when a client pours her heart out to me, she then assumes that everyone else at our gym is living an awesome, carefree life.  She thinks she has it harder than everyone else.  She believes that no one else is going what she’s going through.

She feels alone.

I think this is why so many people often feel ashamed or embarrassed about their lives.  They think they are the only ones going through whatever it is they are dealing with.

The grass always looks greener on the other side.  And, many of us feel the need to put on a front and fake perfection in order to be like everyone else…When in actuality, we are all faking it, and we are all hurting inside.

Facebook is by far the biggest culprit of this!  Check out this short video:

I can tell you, from firsthand experience, from ALLLLLLLL of the thousands of stories I have been told by hundreds of clients ~ YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

Heck, even I have sh***y days and a few demons lingering around.  My life is not perfect by any means, and I still have hardships from time to time.  Last year, I went to therapy for over a year to overcome a traumatic experience in high school.  My father is a food addict with Diabetes Type II.  My brother is an Alcoholic living with my parents.  Spencer and I fight sometimes.  I’ve yelled at Bailey before.  I’ve done things that I am not proud of.  I’ve said things to my mother as a teenager that I wish I could take back.

Sh** happens.  Life happens.

You are not alone.

You don’t have to pretend.  In fact, of all of the places, the CrossFit gym is the last place you need to put on a front and hide your life.

Why do you think we all come here, anyway?!!  That’s right – To sweat out all that bullsh** from the day, to grunt out all the pain, to lift up our moods, to run off some steam, and to fight and support each other through it for that hour.

That one hour – We get to be together as one, and through all of our personal struggles, we get to escape our lives for that moment, and just be.  We get to turn it off, and for that one hour we can be together as a family and help each other through it.

But, instead of directly helping someone through her nasty divorce, during the WOD you are helping her through those last 10 reps to prove to herself that she can not only get through the WOD itself, but she can also get through this divorce.  By encouraging and supporting her through the workout, we are inadvertently supporting her through her tough time.

Running alongside a member in the last 400m, you are inadvertently telling him that you are by his side, both inside the gym and in life.

Cheering on a member during the workout, you are inadvertently helping her gain self-confidence.

The things we do for each other inside of the gym have a HUGE impact on our personal lives, whether we realize it or not.

So many people write about how CrossFit has saved their lives.  But, the truth of the matter is, CrossFit has saved ALL of our lives in some way or another.

None of us have it worse.  None of us have it better.  It’s a relative thing.  We all have struggles and hardships.  We have all experienced difficult times at one point or another.

The question is ~ Are you going to be a victim, or are you going to be stronger?!  I don’t like the word survivor, personally, because it implies a victim.

Remember that you truly are not alone in this world.  You are not the only one.  Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed.  Don’t assume others have it better, either.

You have one of the best support systems ever ~ Your CrossFit family!

CrossFit is here with open arms.

Embrace it.

Work Harder

10428320_718026561572538_1848452235404257806_oAfter watching the NorCal Regionals this past Saturday at the San Jose State University Event Center, I realized something…

I need to work harder.

The ONLY reason why I was not down in that arena with the rest of the competitors this weekend is because of ME.

Being a spectator this weekend was challenging for me, because I knew I let another year go by, and I only have myself to blame for it.

It’s a very hard pill to swallow – Personal Responsibility.

I could blame it on being the mother of a two year old, or being a business owner, or going through therapy, or dealing with family issues, or my shoulder injury in the fall season…

But, then I refer back to the quote, “If you want it bad enough, you’ll find a way.  If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.”

So, how badly did I really want it this year?

Maybe I was just infatuated with the IDEA of going to Regionals, but I really didn’t want to work hard enough for it?  Or, maybe I had to work on myself first, before I was ready to really take on something like this?  Maybe I needed to reach that “breaking point.”

Well…I’ve reached it.

The Regionals and Games athletes work really, really hard to be where they are.  Really, really, REALLY hard!

I’ve been doing probably about 1/4 of what they do.

I’ve been thinking about this all weekend, and getting more and more upset with myself.  Mad that I didn’t do more to be better prepared for the Open.  Mad that I let another whole year go by.  Mad that I wasn’t better.

Mad that I’m not living up to my potential.

And then…I had to finally accept the fact that I just need to work harder.

I can’t control new athletes coming out of the woodworks each year who are bad ass firebreathers.  I can’t control accidents and unforeseen injuries and illnesses.  I can’t control other athletes training harder.

I CAN control what I put in to it, though.  I can control how hard I push myself.  I can control how often I work on my weaknesses.  I can control all of me.

I need to do more.

Put up or shut up!

This can apply to everything in life.  I need to work harder on my patience as a mother.  I need to work harder on finishing our house remodel.  I need to work harder on being a better wife.

If things don’t end the way you want them to…If you aren’t getting the results you want…Then DO something about it.  Change.  Do more.  Work harder.  Dig deep.  And, don’t settle.

3, 2, 1, Go! 😉