Random Thoughts of a Coach, Mother, Wife, Friend, Competitor, and Woman

Yes, it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve posted, and in all honesty, I’ve just been having a whirlwind of thoughts flood my mind lately.  I have at least 10 rough drafts completed, but none of them are ready to be posted yet.

So much to say.  So much to do.

Writing is a blessing and a curse.

Tonight, I thought I’d try something new…

Instead of trying to write intelligently and grammatically correct, I’m just going to share with you 5 minutes of what goes on inside my head…My crazy, beautiful mind…Every day…All day…Completely unfiltered…

Sometimes, it’s nice to just vent and let things out.

Ready?  Brace yourselves…This could be dangerous… 😉

3…2…1…GO!

10352582_549466858520190_7523399922307013146_nI really don’t want to clean up right now, but the kitchen is a mess, and it drives me crazy!  But, every time I clear off the counter, it inevitably gets covered with sh** again the next day.  Cleaning is a crappy cycle that never ends.  I wish we could just afford a maid.  I wish we could afford a chef. God, I wish we would just win the lottery.  People say money can’t buy you happiness, but it sure can make things a hell of a lot easier!  Man, if we won the lottery, the first thing I’d do is finish this damn house!  Another never-ending project in our life.  I wish HGTV would come over to our house and renovate the entire thing in one week!  Ahhhh, I watch those episodes with such envy.  We could move to Texas and get put on the show “Fixxer Upper!”  But, then we’d have to live in Texas.  And, we really don’t have any reason to move to Texas.  I would love to live in the east coast, though.  Or, maybe New Zealand.  Or, Hawaii?  Mmmm, I’d probably get “island fever,” though.  I’d miss my family and CrossFit family, though, if we moved.  Man, if we won the lottery, though, I would totally add in a Peet’s Coffee bar, a juice bar, an awesome kids playroom with licensed babysitters, locker rooms, showers, and a foam pit and trampoline in the gym!  That would be so awesome!!!!  I wonder what our members say about us?  I wonder if they ever think that I’m mean, or boring, or don’t like something about me?  Sometimes I wish I could be a fly on the wall.  Although, I don’t know…Would I really want to know what others think and say about me?  I’d like to think that people think I am a good person.  I hope I’m never condescending to anyone.  Hopefully, they can tell when I’m being sarcastic.  I think they can.  I think I’m pretty obvious with my feelings and intentions.  I wonder if I will ever get to stand up on a podium.  I think I work hard, but then every competition, I’m always shaking my finger at myself.  How much is too much?  How much is too little?  Sometimes I really wish I was just born talented and gifted.  But, then again, I’d probably take it for granted.  I guess I should be thankful for all of the lessons it’s taught me to have to earn it…But, damn…Sometimes it would be nice to have something come easy to me for once.  What are we going to do for Christmas?  I don’t even know what to get Spencer.  He is so hard to shop for.  I really wish I had the money to buy him his dream Eames Chair.  Maybe I should start saving a few bucks here and there every month…Maybe in like 5 years I will have saved up enough money to buy him one.  That would be pretty cool to see the look on his face if I got him one.  Maybe…Someday…  It’s like how my mom used to tell me that if she ever had the extra money, she would have bought my dad a Ranger Rover.  I think I can make Bailey’s Halloween costume for her.  Boo’s monster costume is pretty straight forward, and the nice thing is, it doesn’t have to be perfect.  Maybe I’ll try it.  Would be pretty awesome to be able to say that I made Bailey’s costume for her.  I can’t wait to watch her go trick-or-treating again!  I wonder if we’ll have a boy or girl for the next one.  Do we even want another one?  Hmmm…I wish there was some way to make it a boy.  I’d love to have one of each.  Of course, I’ll love whatever we get!  I don’t know if I could handle two kids, though.  Am I patient enough?  How the heck did my mom do it with 4 of us?!  If we won the lottery, I’d be all for having 4 kids, though!  Maybe we could adopt a boy.  That would be pretty neat.  I need to start lifting more.  My lifts have not been increasing enough.  I keep saying that, but I actually really need to shut up and just do it already!  Why is it so easy for me to coach others, and not myself?!?!  I wonder if Bailey is going to like CrossFit.  I’m really afraid of dying.  It scares me to think that death is going to happen anytime.  I try not to think about it, but sometimes it really haunts me.  I get why so many people believe in Heaven or other religious beliefs.  It’s so much more comforting to believe in something happy and beautiful to go to afterwards.  How is it that I’ve lived 34 years and never experienced even one death of a loved one?!?!  Sure, pets and grandparents have passed, but no one immediately close to me has died, and it scares me to think who my “first” one will be.  I often think that it will be my dad…or my brother.  They are like two peas in a pod.  I love them so much.  God, I wish they took better care of themselves.  Maybe that’s why I’m so crazy into fitness and health.  But, even being healthy doesn’t guarantee that I’ll live.  I really hope and pray I get to watch Bailey grow up, and I get to be a grandmother some day.  Sometimes I feel bad after a long day, and wish I had done more, said more to everyone.  Because, what if today is my last day?!  How do I want to be remembered?!  Will I even be remembered?!  I wish I could come back as a spirit, though, so that I could watch my family and friends, and still experience everything with them.  I need to switch over the laundry.  God, another endless task!  What if I could go back in time and start all over again?  What would I do differently?  But, then I wouldn’t have all the things I have now, and I definitely would not want to give up having Bailey and Spencer!!!  It breaks my heart watching some of my friends struggle being single or going through a divorce.  What would I ever do if that happened to me and Spencer?  I honestly don’t know if I’d ever want to get married again.  Dating sucks!  That is one place I never want to go back to ever again!  Why are some people so sh***y?!!!  It pisses me off when they do sh***y things to other people.  How does someone just cheat and then leave their kids?!  I can understand screwing over your husband or wife…But, how can you screw over your kids?!  What the f*** is wrong with people?!  Sometimes, I feel like we’re surrounded by idiots and a**holes.  Why can’t we send them all away?!  A lot of my anger stems from stupid, mean people.  Sometimes, it’s really, really difficult to have compassion for others.  Really difficult!!!  That’s when I love to use the slam ball at the gym!!!  Speaking of, we haven’t done slam balls in a while.  Maybe I’ll throw that in to the warm up this week.  Oh crap, I need to finish the coaching schedule for this month, too!  Am I doing a good job?  Am I a good coach?  Am I being a good mother to Bailey?  Am I good enough for Spencer?  Sometimes I worry that I’m not enough.  Sometimes I feel like I am failing at life.  Other times, I feel like I’m on top of the world.  Ugh.  Maybe I’m in a funk because of my period.  I hate hormones.  I need some chocolate.  I’m going to eat the rest of the s’mores stuff!  I really wish we’d win the damn lottery…

*Whew* 😉

 

Advertisements

My Reality

1157642_10201738537888190_2119404513_nHumans are such an enigma.  The fact that we can experience feelings, have different perspectives, and live such adventurous lives is so beautiful, and yet also so mysterious.

So much is based on our own thoughts and feelings.  We are driven by an inner soul.

I always find it so interesting how so many people can look at the exact same painting, for example, and yet all of them have very different feelings and interpretations of the artwork.

So much of life is run by opinions, not facts.

In my short 34 years on Earth, there are some life lessons I have come to realize for myself:

1. I am my own reality.  What ever I believe to be true, it is true.  What ever I say I am, I am.  What ever I say I can or cannot do, it’s true.  If I say that I am a victim, then I am, and I will live my life as such.  If I believe that I am strong and independent, then I am.  If I think everyone is out to get me, then it’s true.  If I think people are mostly good, then they are.  I create my own reality.  Just as you create your own, whether you want to accept that responsibility or not.

It’s a big deal if I make it a big deal.  If someone cuts me off in traffic, I can get upset and think he’s an a**hole…I can assume he’s rushing to the hospital to see his baby born…I can just ignore it and move on…There are many ways I can interpret that moment and make it a reality for myself.

My life can be beautiful and easy going.  Or, it can be hard and depressing.  I could say that my friends are reliable and trustworthy.  Or, I could believe that they are all two-faced and fake.  It’s my own reality…My own interpretation of my life and the people in it.

It’s a monumental responsibility to take on.  Knowing that my own thoughts and feelings control my own reality and way of life is like finding out that you were born with a superpower, and as you grow older, you must learn more and more how to control it and use it for good (or bad).

2. What ever I can change, I can change.  What ever is out of my control, I can change how I react and feel about it.  Beating a dead horse is unproductive.  If I don’t like something that I cannot change, then I must take the responsibility for myself to change how I deal it personally.

Harping on something, letting it nag me, and allowing people to live “rent free” in my mind is destructive and hinders growth and happiness.  I can make the conscious decision to move on and be free.  People and situations are only difficult if I allow it to be.

Now, this is not to say that you shouldn’t care about things and get upset.  Human emotions are raw and beautiful, and you should feel every one of them.  But, they do not have to consume you, define you, or destroy you.  And, don’t accept someone else’s reality of you.  Remember, YOU are you own reality.

3. I am not important in the grand scheme of things.  This sounds really harsh, but strangely enough, when I accepted this, it actually had a very calming effect on me.  I am not the end all, be all of things.  If I die, life will still go on.  If I fail at something, life will still go on.  If I miss the party, the party will still go on.  If I miss a rep, the competition will still go on.  I do not control the sun and moon, and I definitely do not determine the fate of the human race.

Most people don’t even care about what I am doing or saying.  I think a lot of people worry about what others are saying behind their backs, or what others will think of them, and the honest truth is, they don’t know, don’t care, or don’t even know you exist.  They are too caught up in their own reality to be worrying about yours.

4. I am important to those that matter.  My husband, my daughter, my parents, my brothers and sister, and a few very good friends.  I think all too often, many of us work harder for the love and attention of people who don’t really matter, and we take for granted those that do.  Put your time and energy into the right people.

There is a wonderful satisfaction in putting your time and energy into the right people, and letting all the others exist in the background.  And, it’s not nearly as draining as trying to win over people who are committed to seeing you in a bad light.

_______________________________________________________

I put my reality to the test today at the gym.  I was going for a 1 rep max Strict Shoulder Press.  My previous was 110#, so of course I wanted a PR today.

I started out feeling “tired” and “not in to it.”  So, I lifted like that.  The barbell felt very heavy!

Then, I switched gears, and told myself I felt awesome and strong.  Lo and behold, I lifted better and the barbell suddenly felt a little lighter.

I got to 105# and after I completed it, I told myself, “Oh boy, that felt really heavy, I don’t know if I can get over 110# today.”

I went for 115# anyway, and totally missed it.  Not even close. My reality was already decided before I attempted it with my negative attitude.

I walked away, then switched the bar to 112#, and told myself that this was totally doable!  I believed that a 2# PR was easily attainable.  And, what do you know, I lifted it with ease – Even easier than the 115# attempt!

So, I shook my head and laughed a little, and went back to 115#.  Gave myself a couple of minutes, told myself I was going to make it, and as I started to lift the bar, I kept telling myself, “Yes, you can, you will, it’s going up, up, UP!”  And, I nailed it!

The mind is so powerful.

What ever you believe, will be.

You are what ever you say you are, and your life is what ever you say it is…So, what kind of person are you creating yourself to be, and what kind of life are you allowing yourself to live?

Be honest.

Be humble.

And, take control.